Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Dear Me...

Dear Me in the future,

      As a teacher, I know the day will come when you question why your are still in this profession. Why this profession, where some people will judge your entire year by a test that's taken in a day or 2 instead of by your student's greatness. Why this profession, where even though you have a Bachelor's or even a Master's you might still need a second job to make ends meet. 
      Before you make the decision to walk away, I want you to remember a few things.

      Remember the feeling you had as you wrote your students letters cheering them on to greatness in their futures and celebrating the people they are today. 

      Remember their faces, their smiles, their tears, their hugs as they read them.

      Remember the invites to their games that you received each day.

      Remember the stories, the laughter, their struggles, their sadness, that they chose to share with you. 
      Remember the hard work, the character, the strength, their questions, their teamwork that you were able to witness each day. 

      Remember the pride you felt as you walked through the room and saw their determined faces as they worked on a test. In that moment, you were reminded that while you know the results of the test are important to someone, your students did you proud in that moment. They were striving in that moment. They persevered in that moment. 

      So that day, when an adult tries to "fix" the problems without knowing what the problems are, when rules change just because someone thinks they should, when someone tries to judge you by a test, when you think you want to walk away because you don't think you make a difference...

    ...Just Remember!

Monday, January 25, 2016

Taking a Step

I am hoping that 2016 brings me the strength to heal myself. A healing that I didn't realize that I was withholding and that a battle was still raging inside.

Since the age of 14, I have had invisible scars that have left me shattered and feeling unworthy of respect for myself. I pushed the fear, humiliation, and hurt under the carpet and moved on. It wasn't until 7 years later with the help of my husband that I was able to begin to face it.

Starting at the age of 32, I began dealing with physical scars from multiple surgeries after my thyroid cancer diagnosis and then a few years later 2 separate breast cancer diagnoses. Once again, my husband helped me through and still shuts me down when I start feeling less than beautiful.

I realize how lucky I am. I came through some tough things and I consider myself a survivor...

Today, I plan on beginning my new battle. The battle to allow myself to heal, to acknowledge my pain, to stop blaming myself, to get a handle, to forgive. To forgive forgive myself. 

I think sometimes, we hold onto hate, pain, and failures, because it gives us an easy excuse when we don't meet up to expectations. At least for me, if I hold onto my excuses, then I don't need to face them, I let them cover me like a shield. 

I know that it will not be easy. I have a lot to climb over, it won't be done in one day, I will fall and make excuses.  

For now, I'm just taking a step and praying that I can keep moving in this direction.