Monday, January 25, 2016

Taking a Step

I am hoping that 2016 brings me the strength to heal myself. A healing that I didn't realize that I was withholding and that a battle was still raging inside.

Since the age of 14, I have had invisible scars that have left me shattered and feeling unworthy of respect for myself. I pushed the fear, humiliation, and hurt under the carpet and moved on. It wasn't until 7 years later with the help of my husband that I was able to begin to face it.

Starting at the age of 32, I began dealing with physical scars from multiple surgeries after my thyroid cancer diagnosis and then a few years later 2 separate breast cancer diagnoses. Once again, my husband helped me through and still shuts me down when I start feeling less than beautiful.

I realize how lucky I am. I came through some tough things and I consider myself a survivor...

Today, I plan on beginning my new battle. The battle to allow myself to heal, to acknowledge my pain, to stop blaming myself, to get a handle, to forgive. To forgive forgive myself. 

I think sometimes, we hold onto hate, pain, and failures, because it gives us an easy excuse when we don't meet up to expectations. At least for me, if I hold onto my excuses, then I don't need to face them, I let them cover me like a shield. 

I know that it will not be easy. I have a lot to climb over, it won't be done in one day, I will fall and make excuses.  

For now, I'm just taking a step and praying that I can keep moving in this direction.