Finding Your Strength

I remember, as a teenager becoming so angry that I let someone bring me so far out of character that I was ready to physically harm them. This happened twice. Once a good friend pulled me away and took me to a teacher who knocked sense back into my head. The second, I had to be pulled off the other person.  I hated that feeling and that was the last time I got to that point.

I remember one day as a teenager being so scared. I never felt so alone or so worthless as I did in the years that followed. I beat myself up for that one day. I let myself down, I lost respect for myself and looked for happiness in things and held on to the nearest person for dear life.

One day while sitting at my friend Eri’s house, I realized that I was in a bad place and that I had some work to do to fix me. However, it was after my older brother’s words that I began to realize that only I had the power to change who I am and how I handle things. Standing outside, in the dark, feeling hurt and alone, his words began to sink in.

Why was I looking towards someone else to give me strength?

Why was I allowing someone else to dictate my mood? My happiness?

I was doing these things because I didn’t know that I had the strength within me to change. I realized that night that I do.

I went through so many struggles during that time. I questioned my decisions. I second-guessed my every step. I worried that I would fail. But I never stopped moving forward.

I realized that the only person that I have to count on is me. Yes, I believe in a higher power. Yes, I have my family. Yes, I have friends that love me. However, before I can reach out to any one of them, I had to believe in myself enough to know that I could ask for help. I had to believe in myself enough to handle whatever judgement they attempted to pass before helping me. I had to believe in myself enough to know that I could handle what was going on around me.  Whether I handled it on my own or with help, I could handle it.

Flash forward 20 years and I am a different person. I’ve allowed all of those challenges to change me. I am often told how much people admire my strength because I handled cancer 3 times. Truth be told, I’m more impressed with the strength I found before cancer. I’m happy with myself for the lessons that I learned and continue to learn.

I am not perfect, but I’ve realized that I am the only one who controls my outlook on things. My happiness lies within me. The ability to change the way things are going lies in me. I cannot find it in others, nor will I be able to give it to anyone else.

When you allow someone to steal your joy, make you angry, make you feel uncomfortable, or change your character, you are giving them control over the one thing that is truly yours...YOU. Be blessed in who you are, place responsibility where it should be placed, and find the confidence in yourself to be happy, truly happy.

My journey is, hopefully, nowhere near over, but until it is, I will enjoy what I can, for each day that I can.

Random Act of Kindess Should be Paid Forward

I ran into an old friend today while shopping in Target. I’ve known Bren for many years and it seems the only time we have to catch up is in the middle of a store every few months. This is very unfortunate for my 13-year-old son, who always seems to be with me when I run into her.

When we worked together years ago, she included my family in something special that she does every year. It touched my heart that someone thought so much of me that they would go out of their way to put a smile on my children’s faces.

After my second battle with cancer, my coworkers at my new job stood so strongly behind me and reached out with help, that I was humbled by their support and love for me and the thought and care they showed my family. I got with a friend and decided to pay it forward using an idea that Bren and my coworkers started. We have so much fun with it every time and walk away with the greatest feeling and can’t wait to do it again. I want to make these random acts bigger by including the cancer center where I received my treatments and still go for appointments.

Whenever I do one of these things, I always think about Bren and how it all started with her. It seemed only natural that I would pay it forward by doing something for others...just because.

Sometimes our activities are on a large scale. Other times we do things as small a gift card or few dollars in a card and then leave it somewhere random for someone to find it hoping it puts a smile on their face. One time I hid and waited to see who would find the card. A young man who worked at the grocery store I shop at found it, looked inside and then looked around. I pretended to look at the oranges as he took it to the assistant manager. She involved the manager who finally gave him the okay to keep it. He put it in his back pocket and on every aisle I saw him, he was smiling and greeting customers. Just that easy to put a smile on a face. It’s no wonder why I’m hooked on paying it forward.

Today in the store, Bren and I stood talking for quite awhile. We swapped stories and then she floored me. She told me about people that were angry with her because she was no longer able to afford to continue to do her “project” on such a large scale. She had to make changes to her list and it was very hard to do because she didn’t want to leave anyone out. She told me of people who tried to take advantage of her kindness. She then told me of one person who had been cut from her list that sent her a letter with money enclosed and thanking her for including them for years she did.  I don’t want to be seen, I don’t want to be acknowledged, I just want to pass on the smile.

After walking away today, I thought about how things changed over the years. I never questioned who was doing something special for my family. I never expect these special things and am surprised every time they do happen.  When I do something for others, I don’t expect anything in return, but the return gift is the most wonderful and irreplaceable feeling. I thought about the smile that I saw on the young man’s face and a few that I’ve seen since then. I thought about the laughter, the surprise and the wonder and I know that the true gift that I receive is not the one that I look at with my family, but the one that my family and I will receive when we pass it on.  Whether it’s a smile, a gift, someone paying for you in line or holding the door open for you, think about your reaction to it. Did you pass it on? Maybe it’s time you gave it a try. 

Happy New Year!!

My resolutions start off the same year after year:

Lose weight and get in shape

Spend more time with family

Save more money and spend less.

This year, I am choosing not to make any resolutions. Hahaha, it only took me 2 decades to realize that I am only setting myself up with lies and for failure.

No, this year, instead of resolutions I am just going to enjoy life as it comes to me.

Of course I want to work out more, eat better, save more money and spend less on frivolous things, but I’ve come to want a lot more. I’ve come to realize that my life is worth so much more.

Since my surgery in the middle of September, I’ve lost 4 pink sisters to cancer, a man I knew to cancer and 2 children to cancer. I’ve watched people battle health issues and battled my own this year.

Around Thanksgiving, I noticed that I was feeling a little differently. I was so excited to be with family at my parent’s house and I really missed the family that wasn’t there.

I’m a 4^th grade teacher and when the Christmas break started, I walked away from my classroom with the intention of just having fun with my kids. I did just that. We slept in and stayed up late. We played games, watched movies, cooked together and talked with each other.

Now, it is New Year’s Eve and as I sit here typing, I can’t help but reflect on the year that was 2013:

 I completed my first year as a teacher. 

I was diagnosed with cancer for the 3^rd time.

I listened to a friend’s advice and began this blog. 

I found forgiveness within myself.

I found the joy again in simple pleasures.

Now, it is New Year’s Eve and I can’t help but get excited for all that 2014 will bring.

I am excited for the changes that I have already made within myself and for the growth that I will continue to try and do.

I am excited about the memories that I will continue to make with my family and my friends.

I am excited to finish my Master’s degree and put school behind me, unless I bite the bullet and pursue my Doctorate...**gasp**cough**choke**

I am excited for the bonds that I know will grow and strengthen, ones that I hope will grow stronger and the bonds that have yet to be formed.

I am nervous about letting go of my oldest daughter as she begins her own life, when I know what’s waiting out there for her.

I am nervous that my son will be entering high school in September and is that much more closer to being an adult.

I am nervous that cancer will rear it’s ugly head even though I believe that I have kissed it good bye for the last time.

Now, it is New Year’s Eve and I am ready. I will celebrate all triumphs. I will face all challenges. I will hug my family and friends tighter. I will love stronger. I will embrace all people for who they are. I will stand for what I believe in. I will face my fears.

My year is not a resolution. My life is my celebration, my joy, my story and I can’t wait to see what 2014 will bring to fill my pages.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!

Hate Can't Win In Me

I really HATE this disease. I hate living in fear. I hate losing sisters. I hate losing friends. I hate the thoughts and worries that go through any survivor’s head. I hate that a child is right now suffering from this crap. I hate that a parent is right now planning a child's funeral. I hate that someone is now making arrangements for their family to go on once they lose or in case they lose their battle to this beast. I hate that someone is trying to cope without their loved one. I hate that someone is in pain because of this garbage. I hate missing my friends and sisters so much that I cry when I think of them and their families. I hate the aches and pain that I have had ever since chemo. I hate that big pharma will not work towards a cure of a cost effective illness. I HATE CANCER!!!

That was my Facebook post in one of my support groups yesterday and on my personal page today. So frustrating to be a part of something that causes such pain and devastation.

I always try to stay positive because I feel like I'm letting evil win when I mope too much. I’m a strong believer that if you allow negative energy to sit with you too long, you begin to believe it and live it. That will never be me. I hate cancer beyond reason, so here is my positive spin.

I lOVE my sisters and brothers that I met through this battle. I LOVE being able to celebrate their wins with them. I LOVE knowing that no matter what I go through, there will be someone who understands me. I LOVE knowing that you trust me to share your battle and to share your fears about this disease. I LOVE that I want to be there and will always be there for anyone that needs me. I LOVE that no matter how dark things sometimes gets, there is a light at the end of that tunnel. I LOVE that my father taught me to find my positive, handle what I can take care of and deal with the rest as it comes. I LOVE that I have found a spirit that will not be broken.

Please don't take offense, I don't appreciate any part of this disease, but I LOVE and appreciate my friendship with you!

Today is a Gift

This morning I got into a conversation with a friend that left me thinking about all of the sadness that has fallen over the holidays.

I’ve told you about my friend’s mother who had the brain aneurysm and my friend’s father who is battling against hospice care. Her status is still the same but I hope that means that she is resting and gathering up the strength that she needs to fight back and recover. He is not ready to stop fighting and is recovering from a surgery. I love and respect that fight in him.

In the past few days, a very close friend shared with me about her best friend’s daughter who committed suicide. She was only 18 and I cried for her, for feeling so much despair that she felt this was her only escape. I cried for her mom who is now left to pick up the pieces and try to move on and try to push away the guilt I am sure she feels. As a mom, I am sure she has thought, “What did I do or could have done?” I can’t imagine what she is going through. I have prayed for her and wish in my heart that she is able to move on from this.

A sister shared with us that her cancer has spread horribly to all major organs including her brain. She has 2 very young children...2 YOUNG CHILDREN!! She did what she was supposed to do, she battled and was doing her treatment and still it stays...and grows! She is not giving up and neither are her doctors. She has the determination to fight this ugly triple negative breast cancer, now we are praying that the chemo will do its part. However, even in the midst of that determination, she still is silently preparing...just in case, so that her husband will have support raising such young children as a single father, so her kids will be forever surrounded by her love and people that will love and cherish them.

This morning, I log onto Facebook and see that a sister, Karen, lost her battle to this same monster. She was a sister who always supported all of us in our battle and lives. She loved us through our problems, laughed with us through our joys and celebrated with us through our triumphs. She traveled for treatments and trials. She did everything right, but just like that, she’s gone to this damn disease.

It’s so unfair that we are unable to kill this damn beast. Why isn’t there a cure for Triple Negative breast cancer? Why don’t we have a miracle pill? Why isn’t there a cure for any of this garbage? Oh that’s right, the money isn’t made in cures, it’s made in medicines, in treatments. UUGGH!!!

Today’s conversation reminded me of what I woke up thinking about yesterday and ended up posting on Facebook. That today is truly a gift that is given to me, to us.

Times like this are why sometimes I feel so bleak and afraid. Will cancer come back a 4^th time? Will I know in time before it spreads? It makes me think of days when I felt so alone and unsure of what the future will bring.

Moments like this, it would be so easy to walk away from all of these fears. I could check out and hide until the storm blows over and something new comes up or someone comes to pick me up, but that wouldn’t accomplish anything.

I cannot see what the future has planned for me. However, I can take everything that has occurred in my past, good and bad, and walk into my future a stronger more intelligent me. Shoulders back, head strong, God, angels, family and friends on my side.

I don’t understand the pain that has surrounded the holidays this year. I don’t always know the right thing to say to help my loved ones feel better. I do know that I will always be there to help them shoulder their pain and their struggle. I will always be there to help them up when they fall, placing my back up against theirs when they are weak, wipe their tears when the tears come.

I do understand that today is a gift. It may not be wrapped in pretty bows and sunshine streaming; in fact, today it is raining cats and dogs, but it is a gift. My heart is heavy, my tears have flowed and there is a blanket of sadness over my support group as we deal with Karen’s loss, over my friend as she sits by her mother’s side, over my other friend as she sits by her dad’s side and over Melissa as she mourns the loss of her beautiful daughter. However, I know that the tears will dry, our hearts will find joy, and the rain will stop...eventually.

Christmas Traditions

In 20 years of Christmases, my husband and I have loved every one of them and celebrated them to the fullest. 

We started our holidays shopping at the Dollar Tree. Our daughter received books and toys from there and we exchanged homemade gifts. 

In the 2 years that followed, we moved up in the world and embraced the world of credit. We charged our gifts and spared no expense. That was a thrilling year for us until the bills started coming in. Then it was not so much fun. We spent the next few years trying to climb out of debt. 

In those years, we learned a lot. We experimented with thinking that our children had to have everything that they put down on the list. Of course we learned that that didn’t give us anything but a lower balance on our account and toys that were left untouched.

We thought they had to have all things that were deemed the “toy of the year.” Again we discovered the same thing. We are lucky to have kids that aren’t overly interested in the brand new $1000 toys.

Now, 20 years later we settled into what truly matters to us...the traditions and memories. 

Every Christmas Eve is spent baking with my children and husband. We bake all the cookies that people enjoy and give them as gifts for our families. It started out as a gift idea when we were low on money. 18 years later it is still something we look forward to.

When we finish baking, we’re off to see the lights. We drive to the neighboring streets that we know go all out. We discovered one last night that has now become my all time favorite. Bless my husband because I’ve asked for that for our house next year, which he laughed and said “yes dear. “

While we are out driving around, Santa stops by and drops early Christmas gifts of pajamas on our beds. It’s a small tradition, but the kids LOVE it. They are so excited to see them and rush to put them on. Amazing the joy it brings. 

Dinner is scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes...well you get the idea, breakfast is our Christmas Eve dinner. 

Munchkin, my youngest feeds the reindeer her special reindeer food all over the front lawn. 

Finally, we all snuggle together in the boys’ room to listen to my hubby read Twas The Night Before Christmas before the kids all get tucked in. 

Once they’re settled, daddy and I go to work as Santa’s helpers. With the movie A Christmas Story playing in the background, we sneak the goods under the tree. Then we sit back on the couch and laugh, talk, relax and count our blessings all while listening to our children tossing about trying to sleep. 

We know the morning will come soon enough and the kids will gather around our bed to wake us up so they can rip into their gifts. 

One day they will be grown with families of their own and making their own traditions. I want them to have the memories that will last a lifetime.

 I wish you all peace, joy, a day of no pain, no sadness, lots of love and good tidings.

                                        Merry Christmas

Mom and Dad

Since Thanksgiving, I have felt this sense to celebrate and enjoy the holidays as though it were my last. Not because I feel as though it will be, but more because of the possibility that it could be because we are not promised one minute.

I have two friends that have to watch their parents face tough challenges tonight. Their parents are in the hospital fighting for their lives. One of them is sitting beside her mom’s bed as she fights to recuperate from a sudden brain aneurysm. The other is sitting beside her father’s bed as he battles a long term illness that is associated Agent Orange.

Their trials made me reflect on my own parents. 

I remember my dad teaching me how to ride my bike and getting so excited only to turn around and see him cheering me on many feet away, before tumbling to the ground.

I remember him taking me to the hospital in Berlin to have my ears pierced while a cloth covered my face. 

I remember playing outside under his watchful eye as he sat on the porch laughing and talking with my uncle in Greece. 

I remember being so happy when I saw him sitting in the audience as I prepared to perform in a classroom play. I walked out with a little extra confidence and smile on my face.

I remember him telling me that it was time to learn how to drive a stick and then 5 minutes later telling me to drive him home...on the main road. I still laugh about that and can still drive a stick if I needed to. 

I remember a letter he wrote to me letting me know how much he supports me in my decisions and that he will always be there for me. That letter meant the world to me. I always knew that he loved me, but he's a man of few words and to see it written brought me to tears. I cried that day, not because of the situation I was facing, but because he reminded me that I could handle anything that would come my way and that he would be there every step of the way to help me through it...and he still does it today.

I think about the way his face lights up when he sees his grandchildren walk through the door or talks about them.

My dad is the strong silent type. He doesn’t offer his opinion much, however, if you ask, he will gladly share everything that he knows and wants you to know. He has been one of my greatest supporters. He may not agree with my decisions, but he will always be there for me and support me. 

I remember my mom always sitting in the crowd cheering me on while I cheered. 

I remember her being there for every single function that we had whether it was sports or school related. 

I remember her constantly hugging and kissing me, whether I was in the mood or not. Letting me know that I could be anything that I wanted to be. To never settle for anything less than what I am worthy of. To demand respect in every situation and to work for all of the things that I want and need. 

I remember her red knuckles as she wrung out clothes and her white knuckles as she taught my brothers and I how to drive. 

I remember sitting with her as she read stories to me and helped to foster a love that I still have today.

I remember watching her swallow her pride and overcome tall obstacles to accomplish something that she worked hard to achieve. 

I think about her now with her grandchildren, willing to do anything for them.

I think about her undying and unconditional love for her family. Her family is her everything and she makes sure we know it and there isn’t much she wouldn’t do for each one of us. 

My parents taught me so much about unconditional love and putting family first, respect in my marriage and working together to build our life and raise our children, and never giving up on myself and creating the opportunities to succeed. 

I see my friends and their current situations and I think of my own fears. My parents are my everything and I am so afraid of losing them.

I am so grateful for everything that they have shown me, taught me, and given me in my life. I appreciate that no matter what happens tomorrow; today is the gift that I have with them. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in schoolwork, work or kid’s activities that I don’t stop by their house for a longer period than I want. Sometimes, I don’t call as much as I should and there’s no reason behind it except that I just don’t talk on the phone much any more so I don’t think about it.  This week has helped me realize that I am not promised time with my parents, it is not a given that they will live to an old age of 100, and that I need to stop taking for granted that they will be there every time I walk in their house. That my dad will be in his recliner and my mom on her corner of the couch with her coffee cup.  

I know that one day, things will be different.

Tonight, I will continue my prayers for Mr. W and Mrs. L. I will pray for comfort, peace and no pain for him. I will pray for healing and comfort for her. I am praying for strength for their families and that they feel all of the love and support that we are sending to them. Miracles do happen and I am wishing that they find the joy in this season.
Tonight, I say thank you to my parents for teaching me so much, for loving me unconditionally, for being my biggest fans and supporters, for cheering me on when I succeeded, and lifting me up when I fell flat on my face. I love you...I love you. I can't think of anything more I can say that will sum it all up except for I love you.