This morning I got into a conversation with a friend that left me thinking about all of the sadness that has fallen over the holidays.
I’ve told you about my friend’s mother who had the brain aneurysm and my friend’s father who is battling against hospice care. Her status is still the same but I hope that means that she is resting and gathering up the strength that she needs to fight back and recover. He is not ready to stop fighting and is recovering from a surgery. I love and respect that fight in him.
In the past few days, a very close friend shared with me about her best friend’s daughter who committed suicide. She was only 18 and I cried for her, for feeling so much despair that she felt this was her only escape. I cried for her mom who is now left to pick up the pieces and try to move on and try to push away the guilt I am sure she feels. As a mom, I am sure she has thought, “What did I do or could have done?” I can’t imagine what she is going through. I have prayed for her and wish in my heart that she is able to move on from this.
A sister shared with us that her cancer has spread horribly to all major organs including her brain. She has 2 very young children...2 YOUNG CHILDREN!! She did what she was supposed to do, she battled and was doing her treatment and still it stays...and grows! She is not giving up and neither are her doctors. She has the determination to fight this ugly triple negative breast cancer, now we are praying that the chemo will do its part. However, even in the midst of that determination, she still is silently preparing...just in case, so that her husband will have support raising such young children as a single father, so her kids will be forever surrounded by her love and people that will love and cherish them.
This morning, I log onto Facebook and see that a sister, Karen, lost her battle to this same monster. She was a sister who always supported all of us in our battle and lives. She loved us through our problems, laughed with us through our joys and celebrated with us through our triumphs. She traveled for treatments and trials. She did everything right, but just like that, she’s gone to this damn disease.
It’s so unfair that we are unable to kill this damn beast. Why isn’t there a cure for Triple Negative breast cancer? Why don’t we have a miracle pill? Why isn’t there a cure for any of this garbage? Oh that’s right, the money isn’t made in cures, it’s made in medicines, in treatments. UUGGH!!!
Today’s conversation reminded me of what I woke up thinking about yesterday and ended up posting on Facebook. That today is truly a gift that is given to me, to us.
Times like this are why sometimes I feel so bleak and afraid. Will cancer come back a 4th time? Will I know in time before it spreads? It makes me think of days when I felt so alone and unsure of what the future will bring.
Moments like this, it would be so easy to walk away from all of these fears. I could check out and hide until the storm blows over and something new comes up or someone comes to pick me up, but that wouldn’t accomplish anything.
I cannot see what the future has planned for me. However, I can take everything that has occurred in my past, good and bad, and walk into my future a stronger more intelligent me. Shoulders back, head strong, God, angels, family and friends on my side.
I don’t understand the pain that has surrounded the holidays this year. I don’t always know the right thing to say to help my loved ones feel better. I do know that I will always be there to help them shoulder their pain and their struggle. I will always be there to help them up when they fall, placing my back up against theirs when they are weak, wipe their tears when the tears come.
I do understand that today is a gift. It may not be wrapped in pretty bows and sunshine streaming; in fact, today it is raining cats and dogs, but it is a gift. My heart is heavy, my tears have flowed and there is a blanket of sadness over my support group as we deal with Karen’s loss, over my friend as she sits by her mother’s side, over my other friend as she sits by her dad’s side and over Melissa as she mourns the loss of her beautiful daughter. However, I know that the tears will dry, our hearts will find joy, and the rain will stop...eventually.