Cancer sucks

This morning, while in class, my friend Michelle popped into my head. No reason except that I haven’t spoken with her in a while. I made a note to reach out to her later and focused on my professor.

While in Barnes and Noble, she popped into my head. Again, I pushed the thought to the side and book shopped with my husband.

This evening, I logged onto Facebook, posted and commented on a few posts, and then I went to leave a post for Michelle. I was not prepared for what I saw.

5 months ago to this very date, Michelle lost her battle to Triple Negative Breast Cancer. I sat, stunned staring at the screen.

Lost her battle? Michelle? She was fine damn it!! She told me that she was going to be fine. Sure she had cancer, but she told me that she would get through this and be fine...

That was then.

I read posts from her daughter, sister and friends and still couldn’t believe it.

I pulled my blanket up to my chin, turned toward the back of the couch and found solace in the warmth of the blanket. I woke up 20 minutes later and looked at Facebook again. It was not a dream.

I lost my first sister. When I joined my first triple negative support group, Michelle was there. She reached out in friendship and was the first person to ever call me sister. We checked on each other. We supported each other. We made each other laugh. We supported each other as we cried.

 

She was the first person to call me sister.

If she were alive and here right now I would say thank you.

Thank you for sharing your friendship.

Thank you for reaching out to me.

Thank you for helping me realize that I am not my cancer.

Thank you for calling me sister.

Thank you for treating me like one.

I love you.

It is hard to not live in fear, when there is death, recurrences, countless new diagnoses, and fear all around. It is hard to not feel such sadness, when you lose someone you respect or love. It is hard to feel hope when cancer deals such horrible blows. 

However, I will not give in to fear, instead, I will find a reason to smile every day. I will not give in to sadness, instead I will remember the laughs.  I will not give in to the hopelessness, instead I will continue to fight, let my voice be heard and support every person that I meet who is battling, is a caregiver, or is in need of support.

Thank you for touching my heart today Michelle. I’m sorry that I’m too late to say goodbye and that I love you. Sweet dreams my sister. Your battle will help others, your light will forever shine in my heart. 

The rainbow doesn't always come when we would like to see it, but it's there.