I feel so shattered right now.
A couple of days ago I came to the realization that while I believed myself to be mentally and spiritually stronger due to my battle, that it meant nothing really if I didn’t get my body in the same shape. I am very positive, always try to see the good in people and situations and walk around with a smile on my face. Not because I don’t know what is going on around me or don’t care, but because it helps me realize that what I am facing is not so bad when you think about some of the other problems and battles being faced.
So to help me get into physical shape, I started working out Monday and feel good about working up a sweat. I’m determined to get myself in a healthier place. It’s not about losing weight, but getting me together to be around for a long time. It doesn’t make sense to get past cancer 3 times just to be taken down by bad diet and a horrible thyroid issue.
Today, after working out, I get word that my pink sista Susan lost her battle. She was undergoing treatment, but just like that her condition deteriorated and all of a sudden, she’s gone.
I can’t begin to tell you how angry I am that she lost her battle so fast and during treatment and knowing that her children have lost their mom, that I lost my friend and pink sister. How hurt I am for her husband, her children, her family, for all of us. How sick and tired I am of this disgusting illness and it’s never-ending hold it has on those of us left behind. How scared I am of how quickly it kills, how silently it turns up. How sick I am of knowing that it is in someone right now, lying in wait, steadily growing, silently killing.
I know that I am considered lucky. I am a little over 10 years from my thyroid cancer, just 6 years from my triple negative breast cancer, and 9 months from my latest breast cancer. However, I can’t call myself cancer free because obviously, it hasn’t stayed away. Losing Susan, reminds me that the chance is always there, the fear is always there, the pain is always there. No matter what I do to better myself, it’s always there.
I’ve been crying off and on since I found out. I’ve cried for the loss of my friend, a mother, a wife, a sister. I know the tears will stop soon. I know that my children and my husband will turn my mind very soon, but for now, my thoughts are with Susan.
I hate cancer. I hate what it has taken. I hate what it has left behind. I hate the place that it has taken me to today.