Sometimes, the losses become too much.
Sometimes, saying I’m sorry is not enough.
Sometimes, I just want to stop where I am and cry with frustration, with sadness, with anger.
Sometimes, I feel so guilty that I am still alive when so many others have lost their lives to this battle, to this damn disease.
Sometimes, I just want to hide and pretend that I don’t know what’s going on, so that the pain and sadness can’t touch me.
Sometimes, I wish that cancer would just come back already so that I could stop worrying about it and just deal with it.
Sometimes I want to scream when people tell me how amazing or strong I am and say, “But I didn’t do anything!! It was the medicine! I didn’t beat it! If I did, why do I have to keep going to my oncologist? Why do I have to keep going in for scans?”
Those are the times that cancer has won... It beat me...that was a few days ago when I found out I lost another friend. That was yesterday when I came across an old classmate’s daughter who is now battling stage 4 cancer after complaining of a pain in her side.
Then I open my eyes and see my husband who stood beside me for every battle, every treatment, every surgery, every tear.
Then I hear my children running through the house, laughing, arguing, playing.
Then I think about my family who stood beside me, my friends who cheered me on, my sisters who held me up.
Then I look at the pictures of some of the sisters that we have lost and realize that I am letting them die in vain.
I revel in the fact that they called me sister.
I am amazed at the compassion and love they shared by continuing to love each of us through our own battles and challenges as they continued to fight a battle that they could never get in front of.
I think of the laughs, the stories, the secrets, the fears, and the legacies that they all shared with us.
I think of the family that they left behind, that is learning how to move on without their beloved mother, sister, wife, friend, daughter.
It is so easy to give up and walk away from my support groups, but then I will not be able to continue to gain a new appreciation for the life that I live. I will not be able to share my smile, laughter, and support for the women who do need it.
This week has been tough with recurrences, new diagnoses, and the death of 2 friends. I felt so tense this morning after a rough night, but then, I saw a post from a friend. She shared this video that just made my day. After some stress relief with my sons, I’m ready to tackle today with a big smile...just might get some homework done.