Sunday, April 13, 2014

Spring Break

This spring break I was reminded that my parents are not immortal and regardless of the amount of work that I need to do on my thesis, time needs to be taken with them, laughing, loving, talking, enjoying and just listening.

I was reminded that it’s not the upbringing that you had that makes you who you are, it’s the strength that does lie in you, just waiting to be used.

I was reminded that words from the unlikeliest of places are sometimes the reminder needed to pick up, dust off and get myself back together.

I was reminded that regardless of what I’m going through someone else has a harder time and needs to feel loved, helped up, held onto, and redirected.

I was reminded to step outside and take in the beauty that nature is creating all around me, with color, with new life, with playing children, with walks on the beach.

I was reminded that I am loved, I need love, and I give love and that sometimes it doesn’t take the pain away, but it does make it less lonely.

I had big plans this spring break to get my thesis done, work on another project, and get ahead on my lesson plans. Instead, I watched a friend suffer a tremendous loss and tried to offer comfort, understand it, and deal with my own fears when he passed away.

 I took time out for my son’s soccer game today (great win!!) and enjoyed the weather and time with family and friends. Came home and painted toe nails with my little Munchkin, and now I’m sitting with my feet kicked up watching a movie with my husband.

Things don’t always go as planned, I’m nowhere near complete with any of my work, but it will get done. Late nights, long weekends, it will get done, it will get done. Just not right this second. 

Friday, April 11, 2014

Holding On a Little Tighter Today

My brain is on overdrive right now that I had to take a break and just free write.

I just came back from seeing a family friend in the hospital. That was one of the toughest things I’ve ever done.

I saw my friend when I first walked into her father’s room. I felt her tremble as I gave her a hug and just had to hold on a little longer. Holding onto my own sadness, I wanted to tell her that, I think your strength is amazing. You are a wonderful, beautiful, mother, daughter, sister and friend. If I could talk for your dad, he would tell you how proud he is of the strength and support you have been giving during this time. You’re holding your family together and I know that this time has been horrible on you. There are so many people praying for you and for your family. I’m praying for your continued strength.

Her brother woke up when he heard us walk in. The sadness in his eyes broke my heart. That sadness did not leave. I hurt for him because he moved with his job and hasn’t been here as much as he wants. I can imagine he wishes he had more time. I pray for him. I pray that he does not hold any guilt for not being here, that he holds on to every memory. His dad always held such pride when he talked about him. He loves his son so much. I hope in his heart he knows, that he is bringing his dad so much joy, peace and strength by being here. Your presence lets him know that it’s okay. I know that if he could, he would tell you how much joy you have brought to him, how proud he is.

When their mom walked through the door, the sadness was so great that it broke my heart. I have been sitting here for the past hour crying as I think of this family trying to come to terms with what is happening, come to peace with what the future holds, and yet still try to keep things normal for the younger children. 

I will remember hanging out at their house and the laughter that he would always bring to my time there. I will remember the talk he had with me one day about my future and making sure that I keep my head on straight and that we would always be family no matter time or space. I will remember all the work he did for veterans in our area. I will remember the fight that he waged for the past 10 years and still gives on this day.

Today is full of sadness. Today is also a day to hold onto family a little tighter, to shout I love you a little louder, to laugh a little harder, and to love deeply.