Living

There’s something I realized yesterday while talking to my husband. I was sitting in the waiting room of my plastic surgeon, talking to him about Angie and her situation. Angie is a woman that I just recently met online. She is a fellow cancer sister and is in the middle of battling for her life. It saddens me to know that someone is battling 2 different types of cancer and that the Dr.s are treating one because it is more advanced than the other.  

I thought about her last blog in which the doctor talked to her about quantity over quality. 

I thought about my online support groups and the women, my sisters that I met there. I have never laid eyes on these women, but they have given me a lot. They have given me support when I’ve faced a new diagnosis, surgeries, or pains, and talked me back from the ledge when faced with new fears. 

I also thought about the women I’ve known, that have lost their battles to cancer. I hate to say that list has too many names on it. Young women and older women, all but one were mothers, all were daughters, wives, sisters and friends. 

I thought about the lives that they led. I thought about the children they left behind. I thought about the battles that they waged. 

Every one of them battled with a strength that many people will never know. Each time one of my sisters died, I have cried. 

I thought about the survivor’s guilt I would feel when they passed. 

I get angry knowing that they have family that love them and are now trying to pick up the pieces to move on.  I would get angry knowing that their children would grow up without their moms. I would get angry thinking about why them? Why am I still here? When will it be my turn?

I thought about all of them yesterday while waiting. I thought about how positive they always were and I thought about their spiritual growth during their battles. I thought about the way they always took my problems to heart, and always took the time to answer everyone’s questions or respond to posts. They shared in our triumphs, joys, setbacks and sadness. 

All of these thoughts come out and it was then that I realized something. 

I don’t know why things work out the way they do. I don’t know why some of us survive while others don’t. I don’t know why some of us will battle once and others of us are battling several different types. I don’t know what sets us apart. 

I do know that instead of asking why not me or when will it be me, I’ll celebrate life. I am still learning how to live each day to the fullest, but I am finding the joy in everything that I do. I am making it a point to do something for me each day. 

I cannot bring back any of the sisters that I lost. I cannot take away the pain of losing them for the their families or for me. I cannot change when the next diagnosis will come. I can change my life from a survivor living with guilt or fear, to one of a survivor living. Enjoy your day...I’m going to enjoy my family!!