Dear Big Pharma

I stood in the hallway this morning crying, as I watched my children sleep. I felt so thankful for their health, but so afraid because I have seen how quickly that can change. It was just confirmed that Aaliyah, a little warrior sister, is losing her battle with cancer and losing it way too fast. She's the same age as my youngest children. She's a child. She's a child!

1 month ago, she was doing her chemo like a champ and her outlook was good. Today, she and her family are trying to take in every possible moment and get in all of the love they can. 
It's not fair! She needs time dammit!

We can create weapons that will kill hundreds of thousands with one strike. We can create diseases to kill people. We can create chemicals that can wipe out entire blocks. We can send troops to kill for oil, money, power. 

We can't produce the cure that will save a child, a woman, a man. We can't make sure that everyone has access to health care that could potentially save a life. We can't help a man who walked away from the pharmacy because he could not afford the $1200 medicine that could prolong his wife's life for a while longer. We can turn away someone who has no insurance. How can these lives not matter? Why are there so many people hurting right now? 

I realize that there is no money in a cure. I realize that the premise behind big pharma is to grow the almighty dollar. But why in such a painful way? Why can't there be money in a cure? Why can't we put a stop to this disease? Why can't we save her? Why the children? Why anyone?

I'm glad that I don't understand how you function. I'm glad that I am not the type of person it takes to run your type of company. Instead, I will continue to research, to fundraise, to speak out, and to fight to help bring awareness and support.

Another battle is slowly being lost, while another dollar is being counted. Who is really winning?

Why Can't We?

Have you ever looked at the news and wondered, "What in the heck kind of world did I just bring my children into?"
Turning on the news and seeing the acts of terror, violence in local neighborhoods, and fighting within our government daily...Wow, just wow.
My husband and I have had conversations and dreamed of living on an island cut off from the problems of our society. Then we think, where is "safe?" Where could you go where you didn't hear it, see it, or feel the ugliness of it? We couldn't come up with that place.

Then we start to see the strength of a country, of a people, rising from the turmoil arm in arm. Making a statement. Taking a stance.
Why can't we be like this all of the time?
Why can't we respect each other for who we are?
Not for the color of skin, or for the religion I am in, or for the language I speak, or for the education I seek.
Is it that hard to do?

My students watched "Our Friend, Martin" and then I had them write down the dreams that they have for the world around them. So often, I see the bad choices that young people make, see them trying to impress their peers instead of leading, or sitting on the couch instead of going out and having fun. Friday, my 4th graders let me know that there is still so much hope within our children. Their dreams touched my heart, listening to them stand before their class and speak, gave me a unique view of their leadership skills.
I watched them go out and have a great time on the playground with each other, sit at the lunch table side by side laughing at the same jokes, talking about the same things, and talking each other through math problems to make sure they each understand.
There really is beauty in our world. We really might have a chance at change.

But Right Now :(

I have been watching ESPN since I woke up this morning and haven't been able to change the channel yet. In tears and heartbroken. 

I hate you for taking another life.
I hate you for taking another parent away from their children.
I hate never hearing the words "Cancer Free."
I hate that we will never be able to have the feeling of safety that we had before cancer.
I hate that I will always fear a recurrence.
I hate that the lasting effects will never be understood by the the people that we most need to understand.
I hate that people assume that I am "cured" but that I will never be cured or feel cured.
I hate that I am afraid to go to the doctor because I know what will result from my concern.
I hate the feeling of loss and despair that I feel whenever cancer has taken another life. 
I hate the pain that I go through just making it through day to day life all because of chemotherapy.
I hate that there is someone right now in pain and fighting trying to hold on.
I hate that there is someone right now who is hearing the words of diagnosis. 

I know that this moment will pass. I know that soon I'll be laughing, watching football with my hubby, and getting my children ready to return to school tomorrow. I know that soon my tears will dry up and I'll turn the channel because of emotional overload but right now, 

I hate you cancer!!

Living With a Little Sass and Humor

I first began this blog simply because after cancer, I began to think so much more positive about things. It's so easy to look at life with cancer as a curse or a death sentence and every lump, cough, or mark, brings new worries or cancer scares. I wanted to get away from that.

After my first few posts, I received an email from a woman who stumbled across my blog and was so appreciative of the uplifting she gained after reading it. She was newly diagnosed and sadly, her cancer had already begun to spread. 

Over the months, she and I emailed and shared thoughts, posts, and laughs often. She was always very open with the struggles she dealt with during her treatments and yet, held on to life with both hands. 
She went on her dream trip and spent time with family and friends. She listened to her doctors and fought her battle for as long as she was asked. 

I did not hear from her and she did not respond to my emails mid summer. Then one day I noticed that  a new entry was posted on her blog that said "Angie's Epilogue." I logged off without reading it and have only blogged once since. 

Today, I finally found the courage to read about the passing of my dear friend and sweet sister Angie. Although I knew when I saw the post, that she had passed, it did not make today any easier. 
Angie, you taught me so much about facing fears. You taught me that it's okay to allow the fear to show as long as it doesn't take over. It's okay to get angry, but not to let that anger eat away at my heart. It's okay to want to be alone, as long as I don't shut the door to life or on those that love me. 
I know I shouldn't cry, but I miss you. My heart is heavy today, but I am so touched that you came across my blog, that you took to time to respond, that you called me your friend. 

I will continue to love life and everyone in it. 
For you, I will always find the humor.
For you, I will always keep my sass.
From one Angie to another, You are Superwoman to me!

A New Challenge

I have a challenge...it's called get up, complete the best education you can, start a career, and establish and stay on your own 2 feet challenge. I figured if people can post the dumbest things like the fire, choking, pass out, or ice challenges and young people are doing it...why not try this.

Find your own strength to stand on your own two feet and walk away from some of the foolishness that is being posted or said. 

Glow Jars

Okay, so I'm going to have to turn this into a mommy blog for today. I absolutely LOVE Pinterest. I find things for my classroom, recipes, fun activities to do with my own children, and that's what led me to write this blog tonight.

I came across this photo of a glow jar about dancing fairies. Yes, I knew it would not come out that cool, but it only took water and the contents of a glow stick, so why not try it. I pinned the picture and finally got around to doing it today.

We gathered the jars, glow sticks and started to experiment and this is what my children and I came up with:

This picture is what our 3 finished jars looked like...yes 3 jars. The first jar we did is in the middle and we used hot water. We poured in the glow stick and the light faded almost immediately. The jar to the left worked very well because we didn’t add any water, just broke open the glow stick and poured in the contents with glitter. My older son wanted to try it with cold water just to see what would happen, so we did. That is the jar all the way to the right. That one did stay lit just a little. 

Overall, we had a fun time experimenting with it, and it was a great way to show our younger 2 that you never believe everything you see or read, sometimes you have to do the investigating yourself. Our kids enjoyed it and are looking forward to the next experiment night. 

A Final Journey

I was moving about the house this morning, thinking about my upcoming surgery in a little bit, when the tears came.

I am hoping and praying that today’s surgery will be my final journey with cancer. I know that I will always be a cancer patient, but there is a difference between going in for appointments and even scans and lab work as opposed to being sidelined by surgery and treatments. 

I am filled with an overwhelming joy that I can’t even begin to explain.

I began this journey in 2003 and have had countless surgeries since then to remove this, probe that, and fix this, and I’m over it. I’ve been over it and have even put off dates when I could just to give myself a chance to recover both physically and mentally.

11 years later...11 YEARS and I may be closing that door forever. My prayers have been said, my fingers are crossed and nothing but positive thoughts and feelings flowing today.

That’s why I’m blogging right now. I am so emotional and excited, but I don’t want to scare my children, as once again, I’m sitting here crying LOL!

Cancer has taken me on a journey, taught me a lot about myself, the strength that I have within, and introduced me to some amazing sisters, brothers, and friends.

Today will be the day that I physically face it for the last time, a final journey! What a beautiful day for a new beginning!