Dear Me...

Dear Me in the future,

      As a teacher, I know the day will come when you question why your are still in this profession. Why this profession, where some people will judge your entire year by a test that's taken in a day or 2 instead of by your student's greatness. Why this profession, where even though you have a Bachelor's or even a Master's you might still need a second job to make ends meet. 
      Before you make the decision to walk away, I want you to remember a few things.

      Remember the feeling you had as you wrote your students letters cheering them on to greatness in their futures and celebrating the people they are today. 

      Remember their faces, their smiles, their tears, their hugs as they read them.

      Remember the invites to their games that you received each day.

      Remember the stories, the laughter, their struggles, their sadness, that they chose to share with you. 
  
      Remember the hard work, the character, the strength, their questions, their teamwork that you were able to witness each day. 

      Remember the pride you felt as you walked through the room and saw their determined faces as they worked on a test. In that moment, you were reminded that while you know the results of the test are important to someone, your students did you proud in that moment. They were striving in that moment. They persevered in that moment. 

      So that day, when an adult tries to "fix" the problems without knowing what the problems are, when rules change just because someone thinks they should, when someone tries to judge you by a test, when you think you want to walk away because you don't think you make a difference...

    ...Just Remember!

Taking a Step

I am hoping that 2016 brings me the strength to heal myself. A healing that I didn't realize that I was withholding and that a battle was still raging inside.

Since the age of 14, I have had invisible scars that have left me shattered and feeling unworthy of respect for myself. I pushed the fear, humiliation, and hurt under the carpet and moved on. It wasn't until 7 years later with the help of my husband that I was able to begin to face it.

Starting at the age of 32, I began dealing with physical scars from multiple surgeries after my thyroid cancer diagnosis and then a few years later 2 separate breast cancer diagnoses. Once again, my husband helped me through and still shuts me down when I start feeling less than beautiful.

I realize how lucky I am. I came through some tough things and I consider myself a survivor...

Today, I plan on beginning my new battle. The battle to allow myself to heal, to acknowledge my pain, to stop blaming myself, to get a handle, to forgive. To forgive others...to forgive myself. 

I think sometimes, we hold onto hate, pain, and failures, because it gives us an easy excuse when we don't meet up to expectations. At least for me, if I hold onto my excuses, then I don't need to face them, I let them cover me like a shield. 

I know that it will not be easy. I have a lot to climb over, it won't be done in one day, I will fall and make excuses.  

For now, I'm just taking a step and praying that I can keep moving in this direction. 

Challenge Accepted! Challenge Smashed!

After 22 years, LOL the age of our oldest, my husband and I realized that we fell into the trap of commercialism. No, we knew it, we just turned our back on it and did what most of us do...kept buying. 

What brought this on? Cleaning out 1 of our children's closets and finding a Mario Kart race track, a lego set, as well as a few other must have toys that our children just "had" to have, all unopened. 

The day before, I stumbled across something called the 4 gift challenge again. I had seen it last year, but just scrolled past it because I had already begun my holiday shopping madness. This year, I didn't scroll past, I thought about it. After seeing the stack of toys, I searched for the challenge and then talked to my children about Christmas and how we have handled it so far...Shop, shop, shop, too many gifts, unwanted and untouched gifts, money down the drain. Then we talked about what it should be...family, love, our faith. 

I was a little surprised that my children all agreed. Surprised because they are typical kids, LOVE presents under a tree, and always have lists of stuff. 

They each found a spot to relax and thought, I mean seriously thought about what to put on their lists. I was touched to see that on their want list, was to have their older AF sister home for Christmas. I also realized that they took greater care when thinking up what to get or do for Daddy for his gift. 

For my husband and I, we noticed that we are not stressed in line this holiday season. I haven't had 1 minute of, "Did I get everything? Did I get enough? I spent how much!?" We have had more game nights, movie nights, and more chit chatting.

I was telling a friend about the challenge the other day and was surprised at her response, "I wish I could do that." When I asked her why she couldn't, she said that her "kids would never go for that." Speechless. I never worried whether my kids would go for it, I did wonder if I could stick with it, if I could get it through my head that more doesn't mean better. I did. 

Challenge accepted. Challenge smashed. Merry Christmas!

Would You Care?

This has nothing  to do with cancer. 
If I told you that there were students in public schools who were crying out for attention from you, their parents...Would you care?
If I told you that students as young as elementary age, were talking about and becoming sexually active...Would you care?
If I told you that students are coming in to a new grade reading well below grade level..Would you care?
If I told you that, while there are people in the school system that are only there for a paycheck, the majority of us are working hard trying to climb mountains within a school year and need your help to make it happen...would you care?
If I told you that there are students who show the toughest demeanor on the outside of straight attitudes, disrespect, fight or flight, but they really only want to be loved and made to feel that they are worthy of someone's respect and love...Would you care?
If I told you that this is not a black issue, not a white issue, this is a problem of every school in every district...Would you care?

I could not figure out why I have been feeling so heavy in my heart, feeling like the weight of a world is on my shoulders, and wondering if I am really successful at what I do, until this morning. 

Think about getting involved. Step into a school and ask to help out. Start a mentoring program in your community. When a child sits in your seat for a haircut, ask them to read to you. When they come in to shop, ask them about their future goals, their present academic performance. When they get in your car to go home, put down the phone and pick up a conversation. When you sit down for dinner, turn the tv off and talk. Instead of being a friend, be a parent and set boundaries, give them expectations and help them reach them. Think about coaching little league. Donate or set up a scholarship to pay even for just 1 child to play sports or join a program that they otherwise wouldn't do. Just please get involved. If we don't check into our child's lives, why would we think they will find importance in themselves. Please help us save our children. I promise you, the rewards of their growth, smiles, success, hugs, and respect, are COMPLETELY WORTH IT. 

Reconstruction Rant

In 2009, I made the horrible decision to start reconstruction. After chemo, I had begun to gain weight and being flat on one side made me feel uncomfortable. I talked with my husband and embarked on a 6 year journey that has brought so much emotional and physical pain. 

The first reconstruction was very unnatural looking and was actually painful. A new type of gummy implant was used that suctioned itself to my chest wall and made hugs or any other type of pressure to my chest uncomfortable. I dealt with it because it was better than looking so lopsided. I didn't think to ask if I could opt for a mastectomy of the left side and ask for the gummy to be removed.

In 2014, that decision was made for me. I was diagnosed with breast cancer again, this time in the left breast. Since this was my third time with cancer, my team and I decided to do a mastectomy instead of a lumpectomy. My new plastic surgeon explained that he could remove the painful implant and replace it with a newer and more comfortable implant. I was so excited and felt that for the first time since 2007, I would feel normal. Look like a "normal" female. 

I wish I had a crystal ball. The last year has been filled with tears. When the bandages came off, I was left with a breast full of scar tissue, but looked so much better than the original reconstruction. I couldn't complain and was satisfied with it. My newly reconstructed side from my recent mastectomy...I can't tell you how shattered I feel whenever I look at it. I hate crying when I think about it. I hate not wanting to look in the mirror without a shirt. I hate that other Dr.s I go to ask me when will it be corrected and I have to explain again that I am tapped out of surgeries. I hate that I am now in debt over a muscled peck because it is not a breast. I hate that I am crying right now. 

I feel so petty when I think about it. I have lost so many pink sisters, as well as warrior brothers and children. However, my body does matter. I did and still am paying for this financially and emotionally and it's bothering me to the point that I am venting here today about it. 

This summer, I made the decision to not spend one more dime on reconstruction and put my experience in the deal with it category. Yesterday, one of my pink sisters changed my outlook on it. She reminded me of her own problem with hers and helped me come up with my plan to overcome mine. My family and I are now in the designing stages of a tattoo that will cover the muscled peck so that when I look at it, I will see beauty instead of sadness. For the first time, I'm excited about what could be...as soon as I find a tattoo artist in the area that I can trust to help me. The search is on.

At the end of the day I just want to say, we go through so much, lose so much, gain so much, and to say that we should be happy to be alive isn't what I want to hear. I put me into someone's hands and I just wanted to look normal, not voluptuous, didn't ask for lipo, facelift, or anything. I just wanted a piece of me back. I won't put myself through removing the implants and staying flat, although that's my choice. I have a new plan thanks to my sister Denise. She probably doesn't realize that through our conversation yesterday, she helped give a little piece of me back. 

Moving on and hopefully up from here. 

Dear Big Pharma

I stood in the hallway this morning crying, as I watched my children sleep. I felt so thankful for their health, but so afraid because I have seen how quickly that can change. It was just confirmed that Aaliyah, a little warrior sister, is losing her battle with cancer and losing it way too fast. She's the same age as my youngest children. She's a child. She's a child!

1 month ago, she was doing her chemo like a champ and her outlook was good. Today, she and her family are trying to take in every possible moment and get in all of the love they can. 
It's not fair! She needs time dammit!

We can create weapons that will kill hundreds of thousands with one strike. We can create diseases to kill people. We can create chemicals that can wipe out entire blocks. We can send troops to kill for oil, money, power. 

We can't produce the cure that will save a child, a woman, a man. We can't make sure that everyone has access to health care that could potentially save a life. We can't help a man who walked away from the pharmacy because he could not afford the $1200 medicine that could prolong his wife's life for a while longer. We can turn away someone who has no insurance. How can these lives not matter? Why are there so many people hurting right now? 

I realize that there is no money in a cure. I realize that the premise behind big pharma is to grow the almighty dollar. But why in such a painful way? Why can't there be money in a cure? Why can't we put a stop to this disease? Why can't we save her? Why the children? Why anyone?

I'm glad that I don't understand how you function. I'm glad that I am not the type of person it takes to run your type of company. Instead, I will continue to research, to fundraise, to speak out, and to fight to help bring awareness and support.

Another battle is slowly being lost, while another dollar is being counted. Who is really winning?

Why Can't We?

Have you ever looked at the news and wondered, "What in the heck kind of world did I just bring my children into?"
Turning on the news and seeing the acts of terror, violence in local neighborhoods, and fighting within our government daily...Wow, just wow.
My husband and I have had conversations and dreamed of living on an island cut off from the problems of our society. Then we think, where is "safe?" Where could you go where you didn't hear it, see it, or feel the ugliness of it? We couldn't come up with that place.

Then we start to see the strength of a country, of a people, rising from the turmoil arm in arm. Making a statement. Taking a stance.
Why can't we be like this all of the time?
Why can't we respect each other for who we are?
Not for the color of skin, or for the religion I am in, or for the language I speak, or for the education I seek.
Is it that hard to do?

My students watched "Our Friend, Martin" and then I had them write down the dreams that they have for the world around them. So often, I see the bad choices that young people make, see them trying to impress their peers instead of leading, or sitting on the couch instead of going out and having fun. Friday, my 4th graders let me know that there is still so much hope within our children. Their dreams touched my heart, listening to them stand before their class and speak, gave me a unique view of their leadership skills.
I watched them go out and have a great time on the playground with each other, sit at the lunch table side by side laughing at the same jokes, talking about the same things, and talking each other through math problems to make sure they each understand.
There really is beauty in our world. We really might have a chance at change.

But Right Now :(

I have been watching ESPN since I woke up this morning and haven't been able to change the channel yet. In tears and heartbroken. 

I hate you for taking another life.
I hate you for taking another parent away from their children.
I hate never hearing the words "Cancer Free."
I hate that we will never be able to have the feeling of safety that we had before cancer.
I hate that I will always fear a recurrence.
I hate that the lasting effects will never be understood by the the people that we most need to understand.
I hate that people assume that I am "cured" but that I will never be cured or feel cured.
I hate that I am afraid to go to the doctor because I know what will result from my concern.
I hate the feeling of loss and despair that I feel whenever cancer has taken another life. 
I hate the pain that I go through just making it through day to day life all because of chemotherapy.
I hate that there is someone right now in pain and fighting trying to hold on.
I hate that there is someone right now who is hearing the words of diagnosis. 

I know that this moment will pass. I know that soon I'll be laughing, watching football with my hubby, and getting my children ready to return to school tomorrow. I know that soon my tears will dry up and I'll turn the channel because of emotional overload but right now, 

I hate you cancer!!

Living With a Little Sass and Humor

I first began this blog simply because after cancer, I began to think so much more positive about things. It's so easy to look at life with cancer as a curse or a death sentence and every lump, cough, or mark, brings new worries or cancer scares. I wanted to get away from that.

After my first few posts, I received an email from a woman who stumbled across my blog and was so appreciative of the uplifting she gained after reading it. She was newly diagnosed and sadly, her cancer had already begun to spread. 

Over the months, she and I emailed and shared thoughts, posts, and laughs often. She was always very open with the struggles she dealt with during her treatments and yet, held on to life with both hands. 
She went on her dream trip and spent time with family and friends. She listened to her doctors and fought her battle for as long as she was asked. 

I did not hear from her and she did not respond to my emails mid summer. Then one day I noticed that  a new entry was posted on her blog that said "Angie's Epilogue." I logged off without reading it and have only blogged once since. 

Today, I finally found the courage to read about the passing of my dear friend and sweet sister Angie. Although I knew when I saw the post, that she had passed, it did not make today any easier. 
Angie, you taught me so much about facing fears. You taught me that it's okay to allow the fear to show as long as it doesn't take over. It's okay to get angry, but not to let that anger eat away at my heart. It's okay to want to be alone, as long as I don't shut the door to life or on those that love me. 
I know I shouldn't cry, but I miss you. My heart is heavy today, but I am so touched that you came across my blog, that you took to time to respond, that you called me your friend. 

I will continue to love life and everyone in it. 
For you, I will always find the humor.
For you, I will always keep my sass.
From one Angie to another, You are Superwoman to me!

A New Challenge

I have a challenge...it's called get up, complete the best education you can, start a career, and establish and stay on your own 2 feet challenge. I figured if people can post the dumbest things like the fire, choking, pass out, or ice challenges and young people are doing it...why not try this.

Find your own strength to stand on your own two feet and walk away from some of the foolishness that is being posted or said. 

Glow Jars

Okay, so I'm going to have to turn this into a mommy blog for today. I absolutely LOVE Pinterest. I find things for my classroom, recipes, fun activities to do with my own children, and that's what led me to write this blog tonight.

I came across this photo of a glow jar about dancing fairies. Yes, I knew it would not come out that cool, but it only took water and the contents of a glow stick, so why not try it. I pinned the picture and finally got around to doing it today.

We gathered the jars, glow sticks and started to experiment and this is what my children and I came up with:

This picture is what our 3 finished jars looked like...yes 3 jars. The first jar we did is in the middle and we used hot water. We poured in the glow stick and the light faded almost immediately. The jar to the left worked very well because we didn’t add any water, just broke open the glow stick and poured in the contents with glitter. My older son wanted to try it with cold water just to see what would happen, so we did. That is the jar all the way to the right. That one did stay lit just a little. 

Overall, we had a fun time experimenting with it, and it was a great way to show our younger 2 that you never believe everything you see or read, sometimes you have to do the investigating yourself. Our kids enjoyed it and are looking forward to the next experiment night. 

A Final Journey

I was moving about the house this morning, thinking about my upcoming surgery in a little bit, when the tears came.

I am hoping and praying that today’s surgery will be my final journey with cancer. I know that I will always be a cancer patient, but there is a difference between going in for appointments and even scans and lab work as opposed to being sidelined by surgery and treatments. 

I am filled with an overwhelming joy that I can’t even begin to explain.

I began this journey in 2003 and have had countless surgeries since then to remove this, probe that, and fix this, and I’m over it. I’ve been over it and have even put off dates when I could just to give myself a chance to recover both physically and mentally.

11 years later...11 YEARS and I may be closing that door forever. My prayers have been said, my fingers are crossed and nothing but positive thoughts and feelings flowing today.

That’s why I’m blogging right now. I am so emotional and excited, but I don’t want to scare my children, as once again, I’m sitting here crying LOL!

Cancer has taken me on a journey, taught me a lot about myself, the strength that I have within, and introduced me to some amazing sisters, brothers, and friends.

Today will be the day that I physically face it for the last time, a final journey! What a beautiful day for a new beginning! 

Doing This For Me

On Wednesday, I am having what I hope will be my last surgery to finish up all of the cancer surgeries.

I thought back on all of the scars, surgeries, treatments, tears, scans, and appointments and felt like I am in a good place. Well I am, mentally. I have taken my each of my diagnoses and learned a lot. I realize that each day really is a gift, sometimes, that gift has a few thorns, but there will always be something in that day to find joy in even if it is bedtime.

Well, one of the cancers that I had was thyroid cancer. I have to tell you that I never thought twice about a thyroid or what it does until they stuck a needle in my neck to biopsy it. I learned that that thyroid that I never thought about was also the reason why my weight fluctuates so crazily. Yes, I am one of those people who can actually put my weight on a thyroid condition. I went from an average weight, to very overweight, to extremely skinny, and now I’m gaining again.

The weight gain definitely bothers me, but even more is how bad I’ve been feeling lately. It scares me to think about the women that I know that have lost their battles recently and I worry a lot about recurrence, but I'm starting to face the fact that I need to be careful of my health period, not just my breasts. I can honestly say that I am not very active anymore because for the last several years I have been sitting behind a laptop doing homework or sitting in classes working towards my degree. I'm thrilled with my degree, but horrified with how yuck I've been feeling.

Last Monday I woke up ready to change that. I woke up and hopped right up and began working out. I didn’t give myself time to think about it or more importantly to talk myself out of it. Today is Sunday and I have continued that workout each day. I haven’t kept it the same because I want to keep it fun and stay motivated. I’m working my way up to a 5k even though I know I won’t be able to run the whole thing, but I’m hoping to work my way to a quicker time before signing up.

I have the best motivators around in my husband who went running with me yesterday and today in the rain, the cheers from the guy as we ran past stomping through puddles, and my children who are willing to hop up and run or ride a bike or whatever if I ask.

It’s not about weight loss for me, I’ll just settle for feeling better, having more energy, toning up and doing what I can to keep cancer at bay. I figure if I’m going to have what I truly hope is my final surgery, then I need to open the door on my life, a better life, and active life. I won't let cancer kill me, so I need to make sure that heart disease won’t either!!

Help me stay motivated!!!  

Doing this for a healthier me!!

Great run/walk in the pouring rain!

I Miss You Susan!

I feel so shattered right now. 

A couple of days ago I came to the realization that while I believed myself to be mentally and spiritually stronger due to my battle, that it meant nothing really if I didn’t get my body in the same shape. I am very positive, always try to see the good in people and situations and walk around with a smile on my face. Not because I don’t know what is going on around me or don’t care, but because it helps me realize that what I am facing is not so bad when you think about some of the other problems and battles being faced.

So to help me get into physical shape, I started working out Monday and feel good about working up a sweat. I’m determined to get myself in a healthier place. It’s not about losing weight, but getting me together to be around for a long time. It doesn’t make sense to get past cancer 3 times just to be taken down by bad diet and a horrible thyroid issue.

Today, after working out, I get word that my pink sista Susan lost her battle. She was undergoing treatment, but just like that her condition deteriorated and all of a sudden, she’s gone.

I can’t begin to tell you how angry I am that she lost her battle so fast and during treatment and knowing that her children have lost their mom, that I lost my friend and pink sister. How hurt I am for her husband, her children, her family, for all of us. How sick and tired I am of this disgusting illness and it’s never-ending hold it has on those of us left behind. How scared I am of how quickly it kills, how silently it turns up. How sick I am of knowing that it is in someone right now, lying in wait, steadily growing, silently killing.

I know that I am considered lucky. I am a little over 10 years from my thyroid cancer, just 6 years from my triple negative breast cancer, and 9 months from my latest breast cancer. However, I can’t call myself cancer free because obviously, it hasn’t stayed away. Losing Susan, reminds me that the chance is always there, the fear is always there, the pain is always there. No matter what I do to better myself, it’s always there.

I’ve been crying off and on since I found out. I’ve cried for the loss of my friend, a mother, a wife, a sister. I know the tears will stop soon. I know that my children and my husband will turn my mind very soon, but for now, my thoughts are with Susan.

I hate cancer. I hate what it has taken. I hate what it has left behind. I hate the place that it has taken me to today.